ByeBye Bella
by SmellMyFeet
Summary: Bella never thought she could lose Edward...but apparently, she could.
1. Chapter 1

Edward looked at me, expectant. "Are you going to?" he pressed. "You said you would…"

I looked at him and shivered despite the heat in front of me threatening to choke me with its devilish strength. "I…you can't be serious. It was a hyperbole…"

His mouth tightened with irritation. "Bella…you said you'd be willing. Do you not understand the false strength of your words when you don't mean them?"

I was getting sick of this dumb phase he had been going through for a month now. Did he _really_ expect me to walk through fire just because I mentioned in the second book I wrote on our love I would do this? Was he mental?

Well, of course. Vampires were all mental. I knew that and I still wanted to be one. I was a bit embarrassed to recall in my fourth book, I pretended he actually agreed to change me into one, but it was a lie. Edward was so deplorably stubborn; of course he still hadn't backed down. But he had no right testing my love like this, vampire or not.

"What if I die?" I demanded in an almost strangled whisper.

"You are not going to die," he informed me coldly. I saw something I didn't quite like in his eyes. A beady challenge.

"I'm human, idiot," I reminded him, staring him down and waiting for him to crack, remind me he loved me, muse over my scent, and yank me into his arms with a kiss of adoration.

No such luck.

His eyes were filled with icy venom. "Bella, if you want to be a vampire, you will do this. If you want to be my love, you will do this. It is your choice," he added offhandedly, "but I am beginning to doubt you know the true meaning of love."

My heart ripped hearing his words. I could understand how he could doubt any other girl…but me? How could Edward doubt _my_ love?

Trembling, I stepped closer to the fire filling the hall between Edward and me. The fire had already begun traveling lazily out of the hall, but it wasn't too bad just then. Anyway, Edward would use his speed to put the flames out quickly when I had satisfied him enough.

But I, a mere mortal, could die by doing this.

I gulped, turned toward the wall furthest from the flames, and strode determinedly. When I got to my destination, I spun, briefly touching the wall with my back, and prepared to run.

"No, Bella. You said walk," Edward reminded me quite rudely. "I can see you positioning your legs for a gallop. But you said you'd _walk_ through."

I bit back an irritable groan. "And you're not worrying about me dying?"

His smile was only heard as the flames rose and hid his face from my sight. "I've saved you enough times. Now it's time for you to do something for _my_ amusement."

I almost cursed hearing those words. "I wasn't entertained by that. Just grateful."

"Bella, Bella, Bella. To the contrary," he said dryly as the flames began licking the walls of the room I was in, making me itch to race out the front door, which was safely on the wall behind me. Yet, I had to prove Edward wrong… "I saw that look in your eyes when I saved you. All those times. You talk big, but I saw it. You LOVED it."

My nostrils flared. "Of course I loved it. I am a girl, you twit!"

"Well, it made me feel demeaned and underappreciated. The way you didn't try _not_ to venture into situations where I had to rescue you. And now it's time you do something for me."

"I never did that stuff on purpose!" I nearly yelled. Hastily, I forced myself to calm down. "I never made you beat up Harry Potter," I pointed out. It was one of my greatest fantasies, to watch Edward murder Harry Potter just for me. I would have loved to see Edward bring me his head on a platter, the lightning-shaped scar well-intact.

"I'm not some toy," Edward informed me coldly. "Like I said…I wouldn't mind beating up Harry for you. But you never do anything for _my_ amusement. And now it's time you do."

I stared disbelievingly at the orange embers. Smoke was embracing my eyes, and I had to turn toward the open window to avoid crying involuntarily. Not because I was upset. I wasn't that far gone. But because of the smoke.

"What if I say no?" I wondered almost as if in a trance as smoke filled my nostrils quite heavily then made me choke. I'd been too sure of myself that my breathing skills were sufficient.

But before he could answer my question, I thought how painful life without Edward would be. Instinctively, I stepped into the flames.

Once again, for the second time in under a second, instinct took over. I recoiled.

Looking over the flickering flames at Edward, I said, "I'm not doing this. I'm going home to kill myself."

"Have fun," was his reply.

Growling, I evacuated the warehouse. With a loud and frustrated, "Ooh!" I kicked the outside wall.


	2. Chapter 2

My toes really hurt.

Jacob was behaving funny himself. When I complained about Edward telling me to, "Have fun!" upon my threat of suicide, Jacob's eyes were distracted, and he mumbled a, "Nice."

Hormonal rage cascaded heavily through my ribs as I fought to remind myself Edward was merely going through the most pathetic phase of his life. He still cared. Eventually, he would be happy I called Jacob instead of doing something drastic to myself. Maybe right now, he held no appreciative bones in his fingers, but one day, oh one day, he would curse himself for encouraging me in the heat of my insanity.

Either way, I was still agitated. Even though I tried to tell myself Edward and I would never end, deep down I couldn't be too sure. Which was why I snapped hatefully at Jacob.

"Nice? Nice?" And then I told him what to do to himself and flipped him the finger.

He didn't seem to hear my words but registered the finger in spite of his glazed expression. "What am I supposed—wait, what did Edward say?" He looked a bit feverishly excited. As if he dearly wanted me to retell the tale.

I was incredulous. Of course, Jacob loved listening to the sound of my voice, probably more than I loved Edward's (after all, I didn't manage to walk through fire for that voice, did I? whereas, Jacob was under such a spell, he wouldn't have noticed he was walking through fire for me), but I didn't think he'd want me to recycle a story immediately after I finished explaining the first time.

"He told me to have fun."

Snatching a pencil off my desk and tapping the eraser absently against his upper lip, he stared at me, waiting. Then he lifted the pencil to his ear and said, "What's wrong with that?"

Boys were all so stupid. Maybe it wasn't just vampires. Two males, both claiming I was the most special girl they'd ever met—now they both saw nothing wrong with telling me, "Have fun," after threatening to off myself?

No wonder so many women grow scornful of men. They couldn't even keep their stories straight.

I was too miffed to tell Jacob why I thought Edward was cracking up. All I could do was stand there and gape at him. I was frozen by my Herculean disbelief, my heart ticking like a bomb.

At first, I didn't even know what to do. The options ran through my mind as I gazed silently at my unwelcome guest. Should I run out? It was my room. That would be silly. Should I come up with something to say? Explain why I thought Edward's words were uncalled for? No…if he didn't see anything wrong with it in the first place, he wouldn't get it with any amount of explaining. I remembered those days when I tried to tell him, "I'll never return your feelings," and he insisted he wouldn't give up, that time would weaken my heart to him.

Scrutinizing him, I wondered if _that_ was what was wrong with him. He thought he had a chance with me if Edward was being cold.

I looked away, the rage in my chest morphing to sorrow as I remembered all the times I spent with Edward. The way he looked at me. The way his cold fingers would stroke my cheek at times. The way his cold lips felt pressed against mine.

Silent tears slid down my cheeks. I was glad Jacob couldn't see my face. Because I knew what was happening was my worst nightmare—I was losing Edward.

The third option zinged into my head so naturally that I took no time to mull over whether it was the right thing to do or not because I knew immediately it was what I needed to do about this.

"Get out!" I growled without facing him.

My expectations seemed to be too high lately. Jacob didn't even pause; he fled my room so silently all I heard was the gentle click of the doorknob fastening into place.

Flopping on my sham of a bed, I collapsed into tears as I looked back on the past month. How could I be so stupid? How could I have continued lying to myself, trying to believe I wasn't losing him? He was no longer fond of me.

I didn't know if I wanted to be a vampire anymore. It was the first time since I knew what Edward was that I realized it wasn't such a great idea after all. Vampires were doomed to everlasting life unless another vampire murdered them. And as the tears smothered my cheeks and my phlegm grew immensely thick, I knew I'd be tainted forever.

With the knowledge of the one I thought I'd never lose turning against me, I no longer believed in a relationship that didn't end. It was a myth. Even if I could force myself to feel for another guy, I'd never be able to trust him.

"I'm so sorry!" I choked out, wishing Edward knew I hadn't _meant_ to enter those hazardous situations. Except after he broke the pact, "It will be like I never existed." But aside from that, it hadn't been intentional.

I sobbed openly until I exhausted myself to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

While I was mourning in my room, unbeknownst to me, Jacob visited Edward.

"Bella's cracking up," he said coyly, turning shining eyes upon Edward. "She got upset because you told her to have fun. Was she talking about swimming or something?"

Edward frowned disbelievingly at his guest. "Bella? Swimming? Have you been inhaling mosquitoes? I thought you were overly attentive of Bella," he added, suddenly throwing a guarded expression upon Jacob.

_He is so delicious. What a bitable butt!_ Edward heard Jacob thinking.

If Edward's insides contained blood, his cheeks would have reddened.

He was instantly grateful I never ratted him out to Jacob as he realized he'd have the awkward moment of asking Jake to control his thoughts. Although he half-wished I had so he wouldn't have to listen to this, the request to shush it would have sounded odd to him coming from his lips.

It was actually why he celebrated not being able to hear _my_ thoughts, in fact. Hearing things about how "bitable" his butt was was incredibly humiliating. It had been a relief when none of the Forks girls had racy thoughts of him.

Aloud, Jacob said, "But that's the thing about Bella. She does things unusual to her without explanation. Like trying to hike? Hiking isn't her. Yet she wanted to go."

"That," Edward reminded him, "was because of the meadow I showed her. Didn't you read the books?"

Jacob looked down at his feet. "No. I mean, she's nice, but…I'm not a reader."

They fell into silence except for Jacob's pestering thoughts.

_He's not as short as Bella, but he is smaller than me. Wow. I wonder what he will do if I kissed him? Oh wait, he's Bella's man._

Edward steeled himself to show none of his mortification. "People in Forks aren't much on reading. I have yet to meet one person in Forks who has actually read the books. Even her father won't. Not that he doesn't love her enough," he added quickly. "He tried. But he couldn't read more than the first word. TV distractions."

"I hear she completely made up the fourth book," Jacob jumped in. "She had to tell some from my point of view because she didn't have enough things to say on how horrible being married to you would be."

Edward snorted and turned away. "Yeah. That was bullcrap. Bella wants to marry me. She just refuses to admit it. I've got a problem with that book though—which admittedly, I did read. She got the first three right. But the fourth, oh god. If she can't birth a child, _why_ did she think I could impregnate her? I'll tell you," he rushed before Jake could reply. "She knew I can't. But like I said. She wants to marry me. Wants my baby. But _no one_ can have my baby! I can't even ejaculare!"

"You serious?" Jacob asked interestedly, his eyes widening excitedly. _I must not lick my lips,_ Edward heard him think and cringed.

Nodding, Edward replied, "Yeah. It's rather disturbing. If she wants that…I'm honestly not the guy for her. She just…I think on some level, she actually wishes we never met. Because, as much as I wish it weren't true, she _loves_ me. Our first meeting determined it. She never will stop loving me," he growled gruffly. "All because we met. If we hadn't met," he added in his normal voice, "she would be married and have at least one kid already. With maybe you." He dared to look at Jacob with strong scrutiny marring his eyes.

Jake shook his head quickly. "She's…sometimes…" but he didn't finish.

"I know what you mean. I'm thinking of breaking up with her."

Jacob's eyes flew open so widely, and even though he tried to swallow it, a grin paraded across his features. "Really?" he almost pled for Edward to agree.

Edward sucked in his breath. "Yeah, whatever."

Glancing down, Jake wondered audibly, _I wonder what kissing him is like. Oh, I have goosebumps! Bella explained it to me, but experiencing it would be so much better…_

"Edward, before I get ahead of myself," and Jake turned his back to the Edman because if he offered the wrong answer, it would hurt him too much, "I have a knack for falling for people who don't feel an inkling of anything for me."

The love of my life grunted. "Name one besides Bella."

"Alright," Jake admitted warily. "She's the only one I know for sure. I've only been in love twice in my life." The muscles in his hands were twitching. He tried to pop his knuckles to calm them down. "And now…I'm not sure…"

Deciding Jake needed to get it over with, Edward insisted, "Go on."

Jake turned to face him with earnest eyes. Even though he was taller, he was clearly more feminine that Edward. The expression on his face was the most effeminate one to protrude on any man in history. The rest of his body, obviously, belonged to a true man with his muscular arms and chiseled thighs hiding beneath his jeans. But those big, hopeful eyes reminded Edward of Alice when she wanted something from Jasper. "There's something I've been thinking about lately…will you be my boyfriend?"


	4. Chapter 4

The truth was I had told Jacob about Edward's mind reading, but Edward got halfway through New Moon, where it explained everything, and stopped. He didn't like the depressed tone, he informed me, pain burdening his golden eyes.

And Jacob was so busy at a near-faint in Edward's presence that _he'd_ forgotten.

Edward was pretty hard to miss, but it was ironic in a bad way (at least, in my mind) that Jacob once ogled Edward's beauty with envy yet now found his beauty to be "a sight for sore eyes". Assuming an eighteen-year-old could have "sore eyes" (I always thought that phrase was supposed to be in reference to old people; now it seemed more for people with wisdom, which was endowed upon Jacob; as silly as he was behaving around Edward now, it was almost impossible to remember that).

The morning after Jacob's great confession, I was lying in bed, cringing. The toes I'd banged in my wrath the day before against the wall were smarting. It felt so awful, especially when I tried to spread my toes. I couldn't; the muscles were too tightly clenched. It hurt so much I almost couldn't even dwell on the heartbreak consuming me thicker than those flames.

_I should've walked through them,_ I thought bitterly as I winced repeatedly.

Charlie didn't come in my room all day. It was only as night fell that he entered my room, concern pressing his lips into a small frown.

"Bells? You okay?"

I wanted to nod, but I shook my head, tears sliding down my cheeks as my heart and toes throbbed excruciatingly at his words and seemed to push moisture out of my eyes.

"What's wrong, kiddo?"

"M-my toes," I shakily answered.

He looked carelessly into my eyes, and remembrance lit his. From the look on his face, it was as if he was told Voldemort was coming to Forks to murder us all with the "Avada Kuh-whatever" stupid Harry Potter crap. He looked as if he knew he was doomed. There was no escape.

"What happened with Edward?" he inquired, completely forgetting about my toes.

I groaned, trying unsuccessfully to pry my toes apart with my mind. "I don't know. Look, my toes really hurt. I need aspirin or something." Again, tears poured automatically from my eyes, but this time, I knew they were only from the failed attempt.

Charlie tore his eyes from mine and silently left. When he returned, he gave me two pills and a glass of water.

"Feel better," he said before vanishing.

I swallowed my pills with the water and groaned, my father's words parading in my head. I knew my foot would be okay in the end, but what about my heart?

As I closed my eyes, I wished I had been Harry Potter and that Voldemort had murdered me at birth. That Renée had not tried to save me but had saved her own life instead.


	5. Chapter 5

I felt sick to my stomach.

Edward hadn't called me in ten days, much less dropped by to say hi. To kiss me. To hold me. To tell me he was tired of being away from me for so long. To murmur he was a fool for remaining away from my scent for so long.

And, of course, the big apology. "I shouldn't have tried to make you walk through fire for my voice."

The only reason I hadn't called him was because the sinking feeling in my stomach was broadening.

The more time that passed without his presence, the more vulnerable I felt. It took all my inner strength not to call him and ask if he still loved me anymore with tremors ricocheting through my vocal cords.

I laid in bed, crying half the time, too exhausted to move a muscle the other half. I stared blankly at the wall during the fatigued spells, hardly twitching a muscle even to shut an eye. My eyes remained open so long; it was as if the need to blink only arose when the tears started again.

In short—I felt like I was undergoing my second breakdown. This one was much more painful than the last; I knew doing dangerous things wouldn't bring _his_ voice back to me. This time, I was well aware he didn't care any longer. I didn't _want_ to believe it, but I _knew_ the truth.

Besides, he was in the same city as me. Why would I hear his voice coaxing me not to dive from a cliff when he wasn't that far away from me? That sounded illogical to me. Like hearing the earth was flat all this time when they thought it was round.

Anyway, I didn't want to hear his voice. I wanted to halt the pain. Every time I remembered that beautiful face, the pain in my chest was a hundred times stronger than any physical pain I'd ever experienced. I was dying without his eyes staring at me.

Once, I even woke up in midst of dreaming and gasped, "I want his face!" as I sat up in bed, my body curling forward from the ribs as if I were doing crunches with my back straight up. Then I rubbed my eyes, scanning my dark room with my heart pounding overly quickly, and sighed sadly. The moon barely touched my room with its gentle glow.

Unhappily, I forced myself to calm down enough to go back to sleep, remembering the screams I dropped from my last separation from him. The fear to sleep smothering my chest.

Oh, I was still terrified. But as much as I tried to evade sleep, it always came, bringing its haunted words with it.

The ugly pictures in my dreams. Me marrying Jacob, whose face would one day get old and wrinkled. His teeth rotting and popping out one by one.

"Yes, dear?" he said in my dream, coming to drape his elderly body over mine and grabbing my hand in a gentle way. He pulled back his lips and grinned at me, and I screamed and shrieked at the sight of the insides of his mouth—half yellowed and half missing gaps.

How could something so _ugly_ look at me?

I woke up shuddering.

Then there was the dream of me marrying Billy. It wasn't just marrying him—the entire dream was centered on our honeymoon. He cuddled me, kissed me, ripped my clothes off, and claimed my body was such a "turn-on".

Then I felt his slimy hands fondling my body. Felt him join our bodies. Felt my sick crawl with weakness.

From that one, I awoke vomiting intensely over the side of my bed.

It was horrible, I knew. If Edward really didn't love me after all, I would marry a man who would one day look revolting. I wouldn't be with a guy who always looked beautiful. In fact, without Edward, if I did marry, I knew I would wake up every morning, disgusted my husband wasn't anywhere near as beautiful as the love of my life was.

I had to be with a vampire. Whether I married him or not. I needed a vampire's face. Always. It really didn't matter if it was Edward's or another vampire's. I needed that extreme beauty.

But if I didn't get a Cullen to make me a vampire, surely no vampire would look twice at me if it wasn't Edward?

I mean, James wanted me…for my blood. Not my body.

The Volturi would do it, but how long before I had another cold kiss? How long before I felt the bolder arms encircling my waist?

I also wasn't sure if the vampires could have true relationships in the Volturi castle. After all, I would be one of the "less special" gifted vampires. I wouldn't be one of the Vulturi family itself.

Besides, I wanted Edward. I didn't want to fly all the way to Italy "in hopes" a vampire would fall in love with me when I joined. I wanted Edward to marry me. Like he said he wanted to. Like I tried to tell myself I _did not_ want "because it ruined Renée and Charlie." Deep down, I knew it didn't ruin Renée. She didn't like the rainy town of Forks. It wasn't in her to live here forever.

But I had to lie to myself. To claim I didn't want to marry Edward.

Because if I wanted to marry Edward, I'd just be an ordinary girl.

And if I was "ordinary", why would he want me in the first place? With that extraordinary face? He was beyond perfect. Of course he wanted me as long as I wasn't the average girl.

But if I showed him how "normal" I really was, why would he want me?

So it was easier to tell myself I didn't want to marry him. Feeding lies to myself made me feel better about his love.

However, there was no point procrastinating the truth anymore.

He didn't love me.

Charlie knocked on my door as I stared with unseeing eyes at the wall.

"Bells?"

I didn't stir.

He cleared his throat and tried again. "Yo, Bells? What's up, dude? Got surfer gunk on your shoe?"

I didn't even smile at his stupid "surfer dude" talk. I was too far gone to care how Charlie felt.

After all, he was the reason I was so plain and nowhere near halfway as beautiful as Edward.

The thought made me suddenly agitated. I launched a pillow at his forehead and grit my teeth.

Charlie grabbed the pillow in two hands and shook his head at me. "Hey, Bell. Calm down. Give me some Christmas Bells!"

His attempt to sound cheery sounded gruffer and more guarded than he obviously intended it to. I drew in my breath and told myself it wasn't his fault his seed with my mama's egg made me plain instead of gorgeous.

_Jessica's prettier than me,_ I realized with a dull ache in my chest, and I suddenly sniffled, wondering if Jessica would be Edward's next girlfriend.

Every time they kissed…he would be glad he wasn't kissing the one with boring looks. His eyes would gleam as their mouths untwined with a small suck, and he'd gaze at her adoringly. "Oh, Jess! You are so beautiful!"

Oh wait. If Edward really _had_ moved on, he could pick any girl he wanted. He could even have Miley Cyrus.

But there were prettier girls than her out there.

No, he wouldn't go after Billy Ray's daughter. He would shoot for a model. He would pick the most beautiful girl. Once he made her a vampire, she would be the most beautiful vampire.

And he would never regret loving her. Every day would be like a dream in her arms. Whereas, with me, every day would be like a nightmare.

Of course, vampires didn't sleep. So he wouldn't "wake up" to her beauty even though that was what I was picturing through my mind at that moment. The happiness written on his face when he threw back his covers and looked at his prized model. As he kissed her. Then his reaction when doing the same for me. The deadness creeping in his eyes. The dissatisfaction marring his pupils. The bitter frown as he wondered why I roped him into being with someone so inferior, so homely.

I was a disgustingly wrinkled radish. A pathetic excuse for a woman.

And somewhere out there was a beautiful strawberry. Thoroughly kissable. Thoroughly irresistible.

How I envied her her extraordinary luck. She'd be happy. She'd be with Edward. She'd be unafraid to admit she wanted to marry him because her face was so great she wouldn't need to pretend to be nothing the average girl was just to gain his affections.

Because he'd love her in spite of her ordinary wants.

Maybe she'd even be a complete airhead. Paris Hilton or such. But he'd love her, oh he'd love her, because she was beautiful. And maybe would make him laugh with her stupidity. He'd find it an endearment, not a burden.

I winced as my heart stabbed me.

"Bella? I'm not kidding," but Charlie wasn't forceful. Rather, he was gentle. Like a stream. No harshness danced across his voice as he gazed at me and reached forward to rub my hair. "Hey. Smile for me."

"N-no," I choked out.

"Really, Bella. What _did_ Edward do?"

Rising out of my horizontal state with hastiness, I leapt to my feet. The blanket dropped and fell back like Edward's lips used to curl back when people would talk about changing me to a vampire.

I drew in my breath, trying not to sway from lack of food and very little water over the last few days. I prepared my lungs for what was coming.

Then I bellowed, "HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE HIM? HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BUT REALIZE WHAT A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A BEING YOU AND RENÉE SPAWNED! HOW CAN YOU DARE ACCUSE HIM? OF DOING ANYTHING? ALL HE DID WAS..."

But my voice trailed off. I shook my head sadly and flopped backwards on my bed, not even noticing Charlie's tremors or sudden paleness.

"Bella," he said, but I didn't hear him. I was drowning in my own world. "Honey. You're not pathetic. I'm sorry you feel that way. But you are the best kid a father could ask for. Okay? You always bring perfect grades home. Aside from the motorcycle thing, you've never done anything you shouldn't. I'm sorry you can't see you as you really are. But I'm prouder of you than any father could ever be for his daughter. Not because I'm a great dad but because you are the _perfect_ daughter.

"So what if you're not beautiful?"

That caught my attention, though I pretended not to notice as I listened with utmost intensity. My left cheekbone hardened, but it was such a minor move that Charlie didn't catch it.

"I mean, I understand you feel inferior. But your mom's not exactly what you'd call classically beautiful. And I still love her. Because she's—"

I sat up so fast that Charlie took a step backward.

"Special," I finished for him darkly. "Well, I got news for you, pal. Mom's prettier than I am. Because she mated with _you_," I added scornfully.

Under normal circumstances, I would never lash out at him like this. But I was depressed. A ticking bomb. All my anger thoughts were hurling at my father, who I didn't mean to hurt.

But hopefully, the truth would set me free from the pain.

"Anyway, _I'm _not special. So I _do_ need to be extremely beautiful for _any_ guy to look twice at me."

"But Jacob—" he started.

I scoffed incredulously. "Yeah, well, I'm older than Jacob. He's obviously taken with older women. It's not because I'm _special_," I growled heatedly, "that he wanted to date me. It's because I'm _an older woman_!

"Anyway," I added in a slightly less hysterical voice, trying my best to stop being cruel to Charlie, "Jacob's not into me anymore. I don't think." I sat on the edge of my bed, placing my hands in my lap and staring at the ceiling as I continued. "Last time I talked to him, I told him something mean Edward said, and he didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with it. So…also, notice…he hasn't called me once to apologize any more than Edward has." I folded my arms over my chest and looked into Charlie's eyes. His plain eyes. The plain eyes I'd inherited.

I shuddered.

Charlie patted my shoulder sadly. "I'm sorry to hear that. But, listen, Bell…you haven't worked since that day you stopped…being Bella. I noticed you were struggling to keep your head up for a month. But then that day…you just quit trying. Ten days ago today," he added, sighing as he studied me with more knowledge than I liked for either of my parents to have about me.

I loved how parental Carlisle and Esme were over me. But I hated when Charlie and Renée tried to act the same way around me.

"Yeah," I said in response.

He sucked in a breath. "Well, I think you need a hobby."

I chuckled scornfully. "_What_? A _hobby_? You think a _hobby_ will help me get rid of my love for Edward? Like it's yesterday's trash?"

He closed his eyes for at least two seconds. When he opened them again, he sighed. "Not that. I just think…you'll feel better about this whole ordeal. Whatever you and Edward are going through," he prodded when my eyes didn't warm over with understanding even though I knew what he meant.

Great. This is the kind of father I got.

I bit my lip to keep from swearing under my breath. "How can a _hobby_ compare to a guy's love?" I inquired. Careful to keep from the speak about his face, I added, "Or touch?"

Charlie hesitated, but his eyes shone. He was happy but scared to display it. "Well…you're going to _love_ this idea!" he promised, his voice singing pretty close to joviality.

I stared at him dubiously.

"You will," he promised again. He rubbed his nose then shook a shoulder. From the second gesture, I automatically guessed he was still harboring extreme nerves and had to ward them off some way.

"Has Renée ever gotten you…a pet?" he asked out of context.

Blankly, I replied, "What's that got to do with anything?"

He didn't answer. Though I tried to stare him down, I eventually balked.

"No. She never did," I told him.

A grin presented itself on his face even though he was clearly uncomfortable smiling so broadly. "I knew you'd love this…" and he vanished for a couple of minutes.

I stared after him, wondering if he needed to go to a nursing home. If so, I wondered what would happen to me. Maybe I would live on the streets until I died.

Yeah, that sounded right. I couldn't go back to Renée in case Edward changed his mind. I knew it was a slim chance, but any ray of hope…

When Charlie returned, he was carrying a brown rag. I squinted suspiciously up at it, wondering why on earth Charlie would think I needed a hobby of _washcloths_ to make up for losing the love of the most attractive guy on the planet.

A _washcloth_. How can a _washcloth_ be a hobby?

As he got closer, I noticed a twitch and suddenly took my inquisitive eyes off Charlie's face to stare at the washcloth, wondering if the movement had just been because Charlie knocked it off-balance.

But then I noticed the eyes.

Dropping the tiny brown rabbit on my lap, Charlie proudly uttered, "Found this bugger in the woods. Had a bear trap on his foot." He glanced at the little one's absent hind foot on the left side, and I looked too and almost puked. "I cut it off and sewed it up. It was broken beyond repair."

"Dad…this is revolting." Nausea swirled around me in stars.

"The foot? Well, if it disgusts you so much, we can always—"

I shook my head as something warm spilled on my thigh. "Not the foot, it's the—ew! It peed on me! Dad!" I jerked my head up to glare at him. "The _reason_ Renée never bought me a pet is because I don't _like_ animals. Well, except Jacob when he's a wolf. But I don't want a stupid _pet_. Animals are disgusting. They pee all over you. You have to clean up after them. And they drink out of the toilet and walk around naked, licking their private parts."

Charlie was crestfallen. He took the rabbit from me. I felt cruel as I saw the look in my father's eyes. But I couldn't take it back.

Stroking the rabbit's cheek, Charlie stopped halfway out my door and looked back at me. "Bella…this isn't the way to live. You've _got_ to go back to work sometime. I really don't mean to be so hard on you. But you're not being fair to me. If you think you can just keep this up forever…I'll give you a year," he uttered finally, hopefully. "If you can't get your head straightened in that time…I'm afraid I will have to kick you out."

And with that, he was gone.

My heart thudded as worthlessness consumed me. I felt sick.

I curled back into my safety ball on my bed, crying again even though my eyes should have been drained of moisture.

But only two minutes after I got back in my cozy position, I heard a knock on my door.

"Go away, Charlie!" I sobbed, my voice hardly audible.

Next thing I knew, a rush of wind blew by my ear, and a familiar voice growled, "Don't you dare tell me what to do. I am not your father."

My eyes flung open and I rolled over to face him. "Edward!" I breathed happily, grabbing his neck in my hands as my eyes gleamed. "Oh, _Edward_!" I sobbed happily. "You came back! You do love me after all! Oh, _Edward_! This is the happiest day of my life! Oh, wow. Next time you leave me, I _know_ you'll come back. After all, you came back twice already. I'm stupid," I chuckled against his ear, "for getting so scared! But now I know better! Oh, _Edward_. I love you."

He winced and tugged my hands from his neck, pulling away from me.

That was when I saw the look on his face.

"No!" I shrieked desperately. "No, no, _no_!"

Edward closed his eyes and shook his head. Then he reopened his eyes and stared at me, his eyes the color of butterscotch. Then he nodded quietly.

"Look, Bella. You're…you're…" he seemed to be struggling with himself. Licking his lips, he glanced at my ceiling then looked back at me, grabbing the middles of my fingers with the tips of his.

"I'm sorry," he asserted quietly. "You're…I loved you for some time. I tore myself apart with fondness and guilt every time you almost died.

"I was willing," he breathed as tears stole the contours of my eyes and slid down my cheeks, "to kill myself the second I found out you died…

"But," he continued, looking tired, "I realized…I was wrong. About how strong my love for you was," he added, stroking my hair with his free hand. "I didn't fully understand…some love fades. Other remains. Buried like a block in your stomach. But…some love just isn't meant to last forever," he informed me sadly, studying my chin. He traced letters in my hair, but I was too distraught to keep track of them.

I swallowed the large lump in my throat. "Your love for me is the fading kind?" I hiccupped.

He nodded slowly. "I still _care_ about you. Or I would've broken up with you sooner." My insides reared hearing the term insisting this was the end. "But I didn't want to hurt you. So I tried to love you still even when I knew it was impossible." His eyes were reeking of melancholy. He looked so downhearted that is almost frustrated me. I yearned to tell him not to be sad. To beg him to stop caring about how I would take it. Because as much as I hated giving up a guy _that beautiful_, I despised nothing more than the pain hindering his smile. The shadows crouching in his irises. The same look I had on my face when I wanted to make Jacob happy but knew I couldn't feel the right way about him, the way I _should_ feel for such a wonderful guy.

And now, Edward knew how I felt when I repeatedly broke Jacob's fragile heart with my mere presence.

I couldn't believe my wretched luck.

"Please," I whispered, hating to see the look on his face, "don't let…don't let my…" I sucked back a sniffle and tried hard to swallow the pain eating my face. When I could control my voice somewhat, I forced myself to go on. "Don't l-let my…" I tried to come up with the right word and finally selected the best one, "chagrin…don't let it hurt you," I pleaded gently, reaching up to stroke his cheeks with my thumbs. "I c-can't bear…"

I was scaring myself. The out of control way my emotions paraded across my face. The deep, bottomless pit of pain that I couldn't yank off my chest like strawberry jam. I was lost. And I didn't want him to feel guilty for doing this to me.

But I couldn't force away the terrifying sadness. It clung to me heatedly and whispered, "You are human after all. If you had no soul, you couldn't feel fear, mortification, or humiliation. Melancholy would be impossible.

"But you have a soul, and even though Edward doesn't want to believe it, he does too, or it would be so easy for him to hurt me."

I winced, and Edward traced my lips, chilling them.

"I'm sorry," he said gently. "Bella?"

"Yes?" I choked out.

He hesitated. "Do you still want to become a vampire?" His voice was dead. I could tell he no longer cared whether I became one or not—but he wouldn't try to stop Carlisle or Alice from changing me now.

His desire to _keep_ me human was gone…

I sucked back a sniffle. "Nah. It's okay."

He chuckled mirthlessly. "Good thing I didn't turn you, huh?"

I mirrored his false mirth, "Yes. Lifetime commitment. Lasting thousands of years…" I shuddered and grimaced.

"Yeah. What a pity. You'll die one day," he mused.

"Edward?" His eyes stared curiously but guardedly into mine as he awaited my words. "You've never…never seemed happy. Knowing you were going to live on until you died," I added pointedly at the bemusement in his eyes. Dim light grew as understanding caved in his mind. "Why didn't you just kill yourself before you met me?"

He grasped my fingers. "I wish I had…"

"Are you?" I asked quietly.

"Am I what?" and he gave me a funny half-smile. But the cloudy look in his eyes insisted he wasn't really seeing me but looking through me.

"Going to finally give yourself a reprieve. You're the one," I said slowly, "of Carlisle's family who seems the most unhappy with his fate. Doomed to eternity on earth…"

Releasing my fingers, Edward sighed and scratched his neck.

"Yeah, about that," and a faraway look swallowed his eyes. "No…I'm not leaving earth." His voice was so sure of himself that I thought I had to be hallucinating.

"What?"

He repeated his words, enunciating carefully.

Wrinkling my brow in confusion, I mused, "But…you're not happy here. Don't you think…don't you think you'd be happier…dead?" The last word tasted like an eagle's feces on my tongue, and another grimace dipped on my mouth.

Sighing, Edward glanced over the top of my head. "Actually, babe…I met someone."

"_What_?" I shrieked even though I thought I understood this very thing would happen. "You _what_, you dirty son of a bitch?"

He just stared at me. He didn't even flinch at my harsh words.

I growled through my teeth. "How _could_ you?" My voice was rising. I was going to start shouting at him soon if my blood pressure didn't cool down. "How could you already…

"Is she ugly?" I demanded frantically, grabbing his shirt. "I mean, you liked me. Surely, you love homely women? Is she ugly? With wild, unruly h-_hair_?" I croaked hopefully, trying to soothe my skyrocketed nerves.

He glanced down. "Um. Actually…"

"Actually what?" I wondered breathlessly, completely aware where his gaze was fastened (admittedly, _he_ probably had no clue): upon my breasts.

"That friend of yours…is really amazing."

"What?" I wondered, confused. "Who? Jessica?"

"Jacob." His voice was full of admiration and held the deepness that made me squeeze with a need to kiss him.

"Jacob?" I repeated disbelievingly. My brow couldn't have been any more wrinkled. After all, what did Jacob have to do with this conversation anyway? Why was Edward telling me about him? Jacob was just…Jacob.

Unless he introduced the ugly girl to Edward.

My heart throbbed as I wondered why I wasn't the ugliest girl alive. Maybe then Edward wouldn't be breaking up with me now—or ever.

Glancing down, the vampire I would always love whispered, "Yes. Jacob. We had sex."

I gasped, and my hand flew to my mouth. "You _what_?" I breathed disbelievingly.

Surely, this time, I heard him wrong. I was sure Edward had been sexually attracted to me, but we didn't go any further than kissing. Surely, he wouldn't have had sex with whoever he was with now this quickly.

And _Jacob_.

Well, maybe he was friends with benefits with my best friend. As odd as that sounded to me. Especially given the fact my best friend was a _guy_.

Edward didn't answer me, but his eyes gave the truth away.

"_Edward_!" I squeaked. Removing my hand from my mouth, I added, "_Jacob_?"

It was all I could say, yet Edward appeared to accurately guess my meaning.

He drew in a deep breath. "Yes. I've been…harboring feeling for him." My face felt like it was clearly displaying my horror, but I saw virtually no expression on Edward's face. "Jacob's just so nice. And loyal. But I didn't…I didn't want to act on these feelings. Especially considering I've lost interest in you." His last sentence was uttered in one hasty breath, as if he didn't really want me to hear the words.

Because I did anyway, I winced and grabbed his fingers, closing my eyes and listening to the beautiful sound of Edward's voice as he told the tale.

"But the thing is," Edward went on, "he apparently feels the same way. He told me he loves me, Bella."

I flinched and clutched his hand against my heart so it could feel the way the beats banged angrily against my ribcage.

"Yeah. He loves me." Edward sucked in a breath. "And I couldn't stop myself when he told me. I barely lasted five seconds, studying his face for signs of it being a joke. It was unbelievably embarrassing listening to his thoughts of how 'sexy' I am…but all I really wanted to do…was take him to bed…"

For some reason, this struck me as funny. I started to giggle before realizing Edward wasn't joking.

My eyes flew open. "You wanted to _have sex_ with Jacob?" I asked incredulously. It was exceedingly difficult not to add, "I thought that yearning was an impossible one. I thought the only guy any person could want to hump was _you_."

Somehow, I managed not to say this. It involved biting my tongue so hard I tasted blood.

"Yes. And I did. After I told him I loved him too."

"You _humped_ him? God."

"Well, I saw no point stopping myself."

"Great," I uttered sarcastically. "You never tried to hump _me_."

He shrugged unapologetically. "Sorry."

"You better bet your fat ass you are!" I snarled angrily before sucking a breath in my lungs. "Okay. Sorry."

Edward's eyes were morose as they took mine in. "Bella, I have to be honest with you…I did something you're not going to like."

"Try me," I uttered defiantly. The hurt seemed to flee my insides at that moment, as I dared him to prove he could do something I "wouldn't like".

And then, staggering in the room, came a pale yet familiar figure. I studied it, wondering when I had seen this vampire. It had to have been a long time ago or just a short glimpse, for I sure couldn't put a name to his beauty quickly enough.

"Bella."

It was just a simple word, but in that word, I thought my heart would explode out of my chest and kill me in that awful moment.

Jacob. Was. A. Vampire.

And I wasn't.

Without knowing it, I let out a howl of rage. Wrath consumed me with unforgivable strength.

"Hey!" Jacob snapped as he shuddered. "Stop that!"

I snorted. "Well, why should I?" I growled. "You're not a werewolf anymore."

Edward chuckled dryly. "Actually, we found out something curious. You can be a werewolf and a vampire…" his voice lowered dramatically as he winked at Jacob, "_at the same time_." Turning back to me, he smiled, the glow from gazing at Jacob still lighting his eyes. "Jacob is the first werepire."

"Ew," I breathed at the disgusting sound of the combined words on my ears. Then I sighed. "Wow. So Jacob's mortal enemy is himself. Brilliant. Could there be a bigger mistake by nature?"

"Sure," Edward coaxed me. "There could be a…hmm…witchwerepire."

"Voldemort," Jacob suggested.

Edward grinned at Jacob. "Yeah. Exactly." His hand reached up, and he rubbed Jacob's shoulder in an affectionate way.

I leaned over my bed and vomited. In response, Edward patted the top of my head absently.

"Anyway. I love Jacob," Edward said. "And I'm sorry to do this to you, but I'm done with you, Bella. Jacob and I are going on a honeymoon in Phoenix. Tons of lovemaking," he smiled happily. "And…I hope you have a good life, babe. Whether you decide to stay in Forks or move to Florida. I am never going to date you again. I just…can't. I love Jacob."

"I understand," was all I could say. I wished he felt the same way about me that I felt about him, but I knew he never would. It wasn't his fault; it was mine for not being special enough.

He squeezed my hand. "Thank you." Then he picked Jacob up and carried him out of the house, Jacob releasing peels of manly laughter in the barren halls of my house.

Unable to fully comprehend what just happened, I sit still, not sure whether to cry, throw up, or laugh.


	6. Chapter 6

I was lying in bed, mourning my loss, wondering what item I would use if I went bad enough to kill myself, when my bedroom door opened.

Even though I thought I had no human emotion left, I found myself looking curiously at the door.

Then a scream thundered from my vocal cords, loud and consistent. I couldn't seem to stop myself from screaming, even as she waved her hands in surrender in front of me. I just screamed louder, so loudly that my ears throbbed and begged me to stop. But I couldn't.

"Bella, please," I could see her saying by reading her lips, but I couldn't hear her words over the deafening noise lurching from my throat. "Bella! Hush!"

My throat hurt, yet I couldn't stop until I was hoarse and only a croaking noise was left.

"Y-you're a witch," I said finally as I stared at Angela. Wooziness was starting to commence.

She smiled almost sadly at me. "Bella…it's Halloween."

"I beg your pardon?" I started.

"Halloween," she repeated, her eyes lackluster. "You know? People dress up as fictional characters."

"And vampires and werewolves," I mumbled under my breath, feeling my pulse return to normal.

Angela nodded. "Yeah. That. God, this hat is so uncomfortable," she blustered, removing it. I could see a faint sheen of sweat covering the topmost layer of her hair. She made a face at me, noticing where my eyes were.

"What are you doing here then?" I wondered, my right hand clenched over my chest as I waited for normalcy to return.

"I'm worried about you."

"There's nothing wrong with me," I insisted.

She collapsed on my bed and patted the back of my hand lying on my chest. "Maybe. But, Bell, you've got to admit, you stink."

"Well, thanks," I retorted gruffly. "You smell like daisies yourself."

"It's Witchfume," she muttered. "Supposed to smell like the yucky witches in the olden days. I know…it's like inhaling mothballs. But…when did _you_ last shower?"

"No idea."

"Smells like it's been at least a month."

"Uh-huh. I notice…you're not holding your nose."

She raised her eyes to my ceiling. "I'm used to malodorous things. My father…well, that's TMI," she admitted, looking right into my eyes. "I mean, wow. You don't want to know." She jumped off my bed. "Anyway, why don't you take care of yourself?"

"Haven't you heard?" I sneered. "Jacob and Edward are effing idiots. Literally. They're banging each other, so obviously, they're sticking it up idiots' butts."

She giggled even though I could see from the look on her face she was trying to be respectful and not laugh. "Well…well!" she breathed before returning her gaze to my ceiling. "Anyway…just because they're…them doesn't mean…"

"Edward told me he wanted to marry me."

Surprised, Angela again threw her head down so we could make eye contact. "Again?"

"No…just the once. I mean…we were going to get married."

"You didn't handle it very well," she pointed out. "Kept pretending you didn't want it."

"Because," I returned through clenched teeth, glad I couldn't smell my own stench, "I thought Edward would leave if I wanted to marry him."

"Belly…I don't think he really ever wanted to marry you." She looked nervous as he spoke those words, as if she knew she was probably saying the wrong thing.

"No?" My voice was as calm as I could make it, but it fooled her. She relaxed.

"No. I mean, you tempted him. He wanted to drink your blood like crazy…he was infatuated. Did he love you? I don't…honestly…think he ever did."

I wanted to bite her. Instead, I ordered her coolly, "Get the hell out of my room."

She looked disappointed, but she vanished nevertheless, leaving me in my silent cave, aching to scream and rip hair out of someone's head.

"I hate you, Edward. I hate all of you," I growled.

Before I could slump back into the lump of nothingness I truly was, my door cracked open again.

I grabbed a pillow but didn't lift my head off it in case it was only Angela. My worst fear was Edward returning to rub my nose in it on how happy he was.

Alas, when I glimpsed the face, I relaxed.

"Man, it stinks in here!" my Biology teacher gasped, fanning his nose.

"Hello," I uttered politely.

"Seriously, Bella, did you die in here or something?"

"You're not funny."

He collapsed into chuckles. "Oh, come on, Isabella! You need to lighten up! Smile, laugh, get tickled," and when he proceeded to tickle me, I slapped his hands away, tension seizing my body.

"What do you want?" I demanded grouchily.

Standing straight and crossing a leg over another, he whistled then dropped the facial expressions. "Look, Bells…I know Edward dumped you and all, but you've got to get on with your life. So your mom called me, told me how bad you were doing, and I decided to help you." He reached in his coat, rummaged around a bit, and whipped out a blue box.

My eyes reddened at the sight of the velvet box. I wanted to throw up as he opened it and held it under my nose.

"Will you marry me? Sometime after you shower? I don't make much money, but you can just lay limp all day, and I'll support that."

"This is mom's solution?" I frowned.

"Oh, no. Not me…she's been calling everyone. Every man she knows…I'm not the only guy she's tried to get to propose to you."

I covered my eyes with my hand. "Out."

"Bella…"

"OUT!" I screamed, removing my hands and glaring angrily. "If you come back, I swear, I will kill you!"

"That's funny," he laughed. "You _do_ have a sense of humor."

"No I don't! And I'm not joking, bastard! Tell mom—and _everyone_—to just leave me alone, or I will murder the next person who bugs me."

He was shaking as he left. I was too.


End file.
